I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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