someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
