I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
