i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
