Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
