Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
