i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
