She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
