My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
