Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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