And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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