I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
