He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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