as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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