he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
