How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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