After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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