hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
