stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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