ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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