Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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