So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
