You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
