I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
