meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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