So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
