Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
