Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
