Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
