it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
