Don't make out with my wife yet
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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