my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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