she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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