I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
