Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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