I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
