I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Randomize
