I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
please come you make the beer taste better
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
