Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
