i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
