I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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