I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize