evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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