Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
