I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
