The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
