this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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