wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
