My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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