So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We smell like vodka and hangover
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
